Space Filler

Well Considering Wilks said we all gotta have 10 journal posts by the 14th of december then I guess this would constitute as a space filler. However while Ive got your attention might as well make this space filler useful.

I never understood the point of online blogs and journals, or just regular paper journals. To write down what your think or feel on a certain day or whatever. To purposefully put your thoughts out loud on paper for other people to read or just for your records...I dont understand. Does it make you feel better or somthing cuz Im just not getting it.

On the other hand I was wondering what is it about maily guys who happen not to care about alot of things...See I was talking with a girl friend of mine and she brought up and interesting point saying that guys can more easily put things aside or rush crap off their shoulders with ease compared with women. And It took a little while but i realized looking at myself and my girlfriend; shes right. Why do women seem to care just a little bit more about things. I mean perfect example...this little kid was runnin in the mall by me and my girlfriend and he falls down, my first reaction was to laugh a bit and hers was "oh poor thing". Why is that...anyone got an answer for me?

Last English Class

Seems to me as if english class just flew by, kinda sucks considering this class turned out to be my favorite of all of them. Considering when I first entered the class I thought this class was gonna suck out loud, just another class where the students dont make contact with one another and the teacher just talks to you and is mundane. Turns out after the first week this class began to enliven. Turns out wilks was a pretty damn good teacher, the class began to actually talk to eachother, and its now to the point where the entire class knows one another by a first name basis. Its been a great class and the class discussions are great. Theres always been controversy in the class but in a way that we get really into it and there isnt much anger in the room. And thanks to wilks I've actually considered being an english teacher.

2:14am

Awkward...I havn't been woken up by a dream in a long long time, possibly to much tea before bed. However theres been a weird theme within my past few dreams. As to why this particular one woke me up I dont know. The first dream I can recall was being back in my old highschool. It was desolate and barren but i knew where I was going, I had a destination apparently. When I got to a specific room labeled 4150 I saw my old art teacher...she handed me a large knife or more rather a short sword. For some reason I knew what to do, thus i went outside to the middle courtyard which seems like a meteor had hit, debris and rubble and craters everywhere, bones and bloody skeletons. Next thing I knew there were kids everywhere with weapons killing eachother around me. There was alot of blood dripping and spraying all over the place. I recall whisteling (all my close freinds recognize my whistel) and my old friends all cam rushin each with their own weapon of choice i suppose. None the less it was some sort of war and I was deemed commander of my side (whichever that was).

The dream after that was much stranger, I was into a little town near the city if not the city limits (of which city im not sure) but I was driving with some woman, and in panic speeding all over the roads. Someone was after me I guess. So I dropped this woman off near a ditch and drove the car into the woods behind this restraunt that laid on a ditch next to the main road. I ditched the car and made my way up the ditch to peak at the road. Cop everywhere looking for me. I began to run as they passed further into the distance, I ended up running in this crowd of people and came out in this alley way of tall corporate buildings and parking garages. I turned around and saw men in uniforms pushing through the crowd, they had been following me, who ever they is. I saw 2 women and a man use a key card to get into one of the near by building and rushed for the door before it closed after them. I had made it, I began going up these stairs that transformed from concrete to wooded stairs with dorm rooms for monks in robes...I took a door to my left and strangely it led me outside again but to a dark parking lot. At that time i was calmer b/c I knew i had lost the police. Then a car with a friend of mine pulls up and him and the driver begin riduculing me...I found myself very angry and tossed a rock at the car. The car stops, turns around and parks. They get out holding knives, I look down at my hand and I have a crowbar. They approach me yelling and pissed off, I grasp the crowbar tightly and swing at my friend and the driver no problem, The driver is dead, his face half gone my friend on the floor saying hes sorry...I grab his knife and end his life quikley, I then search his wallet for his ID and take it, The blood from my hands smears accross his picture. I then put it in my pocket and realize theres somthing else in my pocket, ID's smothered in blood, none the less my closest friends' ID's...Thats all I remember.

My final dream that woke me up was quite shorter. Its a cold afternoon, almost dark, grey skies just the way I like them. Im going about normal business, waling in and out of stores buying things and seeing what on display everywhere...Then suddenly in a book store my vision goes blurry and everything seems to vibrate and shake violently. I grab a pole to steady myself thinking theres an earth quake. But there isnt cuz people keep staring at me with funny looks. I shrug it off and continue thinking it was just my contact lenses. But then it begins to happen again, however now i start seeing out of focus words on flat surfaces in bold orange letter. I cant make out what these words say but theyre everywhere. Next I know Im flying down a highway underpass, no car no nothing just going real fast. And all over the stone walls and houses and signs i pass I begin to make out what these blurred words say, everythign is still shaking violently and I read the words out loud...They say "KILL HER" everywhere in grafitti like letter. When I finally say the words "kill her" the shaking stops. And I see myself from a distance standing in a graveyard, none the less one of my favorite places. And knelt before a tombstone in the middle of the night smiling deviously...and with a can of orange paint I write on this tombstone "KILL HER"...and thats where I woke up.

Ive read up on a few dream book etc etc, but none of this seems to make any sense...Im thinking of going to a doctor.

The line between compassion and disregard for human life

A little while ago i ended up in probably the biggest argument with my current girlfriend. The difference between here and I...Her and her what I call Over Compassion for human life and me with what she calls my heartless disregard for innocence. See it started about a month ago when she told me about her younger brother having sexual intercourse with his girlfriend and getting her pregnant...I really didnt have much to say cosidering it really had nothing to do with me. But when everything thing caught up again just a little while ago, I got a call from my girlfriend. She was in tears and crying and in one of those mood in which you cant really make out what they say cuz of their short breaths and stuff. Anyhow when she finally was able to speak understandable words, it turns out that her brothers girlfriend had left him because she was affraid of the pregnancy and was deciding to get an abortion...Not the best word to use for a strict christian god beliveing family. And I couldnt help think..."why is she calling me and crying about some other girls planned abortion". Her reasoning for being so upset was that it was her brothers (who happens to be 16) potential son and the girlfriend was her long time friend as well and that an abortion was like a death in her family...All I could come to tell her was, it wasnt her decision to make because it really had nothing to do with her. She cried even harder after that and told me shed call back cuz she had to call the girlfriend and try to convince her otherwise considering that my girlfriends parents said theyd be willing to take the child (they have 11 kids as it is). To me that Idea sounded fucking ridiculous...her family has 11 kids as it is and theyre willing to take another b/c their son made a mistake and my g.f took it upon herself to be the one to convince this other girl...I personally dont like the idea of abortion for my own reasons obviously but I was abut to be dragged into somthing far deeper that the concept of abortion...So eventually my girlfriend calls back and the first words out of her mouth are "promise you wont kill me". So now im pissed off and asked "what the hell did you do?" she replied "I offered to take the child myself". Oh what lovely words fell upon my ears. Ya know...they say you cant love someone until youve contemplated killing the one youre with...Oh yeah I wanted to kill her.

Ok so lets review shall we...My girlfriend Vanessa offeres to take an unborn child to save it from an abortion that her brothers now ex girlfriend was going to have, all becuase she has a little too much compassion..

My view, she made a decision on her own without thinking that it would affect me as well, cuz she thought I was all for the same anti abortion crap...Which I am, but UNDER CERTAIN CONDITIONS!. See if the kid has nothing to do with me, i really have no concern for the kid. I really have no concern for people I dont know...I mean to me, people die all over the word, in my neighborhood ect, but theres nothing I can do about everyone in trouble. Dont know if you understand my logic but hopefully you do.

So there was this massive argument over this unborn child, she wanted to keep it I didnt want anything to do with it, so this was one of those arguments where neither party backs down and itrs a giant shit fit...

well point is eventually a few days later after ignoring my gf's phone calls i finally decide to answer the phone. And shes crying saying shes sorry b/c the pregnant gf went and got tested and was never really pregnant and she only thought she was and my gf was sorry for almost ruining our relationship over somthing that never existed...GOD DAMNIT WAS I PISSED...i had to get off the phone and vent out for another few days...but now everything is all good..that situation just pissed me off though.

Resident Evil 5

Ok check this out Im sitting in the lounge messing with my laptop watching youtube videos and I happen to be sitting next to this quite large black kid who was playing his gameboy or somthing like that. Keep in mind Im half alseep waiting for Calculus to start at 6:30pm. And I decide to look up the game trailer for Resident Evil 5 ( a popular game much better than the movies about zombies and such). Well Im watching the trailer and its unraveling the plot of the game...Like ever other movie or game preview does, and the game happens to take place in africa, in which the main character of the game is white and all the africans around him become infected with the virus and they become zombies and you know the rest, kill, kill, kill. As Im watching this amazed at the graphics of the game itself I fail to notice the shocked face of this black kid sitting next to me. I dont realize anything untill he says "I can't believe they're going to allow this game to come out". At first I thought he was talking about the graphic violence in it so I replied with "Itll have to go through the ESRB for its violence rating like every other game". He then looks at me pissed off and says "No I meant the [Insert some black people rights orginization here], theyre gonna be all over to get this game banned because it one white guy killing a bunch of Africans". I dont remember what orginization he was talking about but he was pissed at the game saying it'll never come out and blah blah blah. I really didnt want to argue with him due to the fact that I was so tired but in my head i kept saying "you have to be joking...". My thought now that i look back on this subject are thats a bunch of bullshit. Its a game based on a virus that just happens to take over africa...the other games before it were all white people and some blacks too...but its a god damn game, shutup and ya know what if you dont like it dont buy it simple as that...There one game the ESRB hasnt even let come out yet b/c its so damn violent and bloody, its called MANHUNT2 which you play the main killer in a live action snuff film. But this kid was so focused on the fact that a bunch of digitall africans were the main victims to a viral infection of a GAME! And plus the company behind the game Capcom, has had a very good reputation and If any racial problems showed up in the game that brought negative attention to it, they would have changed it quickly. But this game has been in production for at least a year. And I honestly see no issues with it, but if anyone else does please let me know b/c I dont. People are just to damn sensitive sometimes...pisses me off especially if you have the choice to buy the game or not...and this kid was tellin me he loves the Resident evil series, so i bet you anything despite his attitude towards it hes gonna buy it so he can finish the series and find out how the game ends....And the Resident evil series is know for making their story lines quite believable in how they happen as in they all take place in modern day and make you believe theses things can actually happen thus the shock factor is greater for gamers, which this kid is a serious gamer...
heres the trailer.

Doctors and Hospital Appiointments. Freakin Great

Came in late today cuz of more damn hospital examinations and stuff. Had to go back for the results of Cat Scan and X-rays. Turns out I "look" pretty damn healthy to the doctors. But obviously that's not the case considering what happened in class. Ive had nearly 3 gallons of blood taken from me for test in the past 2 years. I'm a living guinea pig...So many damn needles and I.V's and wired hooked up to me; hate it. Anyhow this is the 5Th doc Ive been to and since he ain't got a clue, turns out he cant do surgery cuz he cant find anything to preform surgery on and thus is sending me to a 6th doctor who may have an idea. He thinks it may be something on a cellular level, almost like cancer but not really. At this point I'm about ready to give up. They cant find nothing and I'm still alive, so might as well just deal with it for how ever long it lasts. Cuz I'm quite exhausted with this viral infection or what ever they think it is. What don't kill me can only make me stronger right?

Compelled to Write

Dunno why but a few days mkI was extremley bored out of my mind, just chillin with my cat Ramses, when noticed my laptop was open. I suppose my lil' sister was using it for homework or somthing (dont know why she uses my computer when she's got her own). Well she had the Word proccesor up and I sat down and thought for a sec. Then decided to just start typing what I was thinking. Turns out I ended up typing the first page of a somewhat fictional story that just plopped itself into my head. But after finishing the first page and re-reading it I was compelled to make it "perfect". So for the next few hours I ended up just revising this first page. And I ended up making multiple first pages of fictional stories, none of them what to me seemed to at all perfect. So essentially I do what I do best when it comes to dissapointment, I get somthing to eat. After a good ramen noodles and roast beef sandwhich my brains overcomplex thought process calmed down for a bit. I took another look at the first pages of each different story and as much as Id love to finish them for some reason i enjoy reading the first page but leaving the rest of the story just hang there. Alot of them seem to be a tab bit morbid but none the less I enjoyed how they turned out. So I dont really know what the deal is but i seem to be good at just composing the first page of a story but anything after that is just a blank. Ill post a few up later.

Wilks Essay Revison...My way.

[Original-Wilks]
The idea that people could be so strongly effected by writing intrigued me. I learned that there are different ways to accomplish this; some of these ways might be considered right and wrong. I could write something very libelous and spiteful, and I would receive a certain reaction to that. On the other hand, I could write something that you cared about. Others might find that they care about this too and react to it.

[Mine-Mexico (the way it should be)]

There are crap loads of ways to twist peoples mind in the way they precieve literacy. There are positive way and negative ways, but none the less, whichever way it may be it will somehow transform the writer and essentially change the way they see writing as an art. It doesnt matter whether you take it in as spiteful and libelous or as a welcoming and warm subject, you cant argue that whatever i may of wrote, woouldnt of slighty changed either your life or a very small aspect about it.